It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. The rich were getting richer and the poor were lining up to see Jodie Foster’s Money Monster. Hollywood continued to employ the same language round the clock, and all the other languages fell upon hard times. Not willing to work 9 to 5 at the publishing industry, and with no where else to go, these languages packed their bags, let their leases lapse, got on a greyhound and headed back to their small town prairie homes. It didn’t matter if the subject was teen romance or space adventure, inquiry into the catholic church or a TV show about dragons and such. Everywhere you tuned in to, you got to hear only one language- the language I am going to dub Mericanese, or to be more accurate, Hollywoodese #Suggestionsarewelcome.
Any casual viewer who’s been to the movies anytime in the past decade will know what I’m talking about when I talk about Mericanese. Here’s a trailer to help me get my point across. Pay special attention to the dialogues of Jennifer Lawrence. Prime Mericanese is her brief exchange with Cyclops.
Cyclops: Not all of us can control our powers.
J-Law: Then don’t.
(Boom. That’s prime-time Mericanese. That kind of rhetoric is the mainstay of every major script that’s greenlit by the studios these days.)
(I apologize for making you watch that trailer. It’s a god awful trailer for what many are saying is a god awful movie but that god awful trailer is the inspiration for this post, and after calling the post A tale of two trailers, I left myself with no other option.)
Thirsting for more prime Mericanese? There’s an excellent exchange in the movie Spotlight which follows the principle to the T. The script won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. If I find it on the web, it’s your lucky day. Well, it’s your lucky day.
Judge: Tell me, where’s the editorial responsibility in publishing records of this nature.
Mark Ruffalo: Well, where’s the editorial responsibility in NOT publishing them.
Ding ding ding ding. Touchdown! Liftoff! Hallelujah! Ruffalo just hit the jackpot. Let’s watch it again!
Uhh, that was just as good. Uhh, I’m sounding just like Deadpool. “Robbie, it’s incredible!”
Now to the second trailer. My mama always likes to say, “Don’t just talk about things you don’t like. Also talk about things you do like. The latter takes courage.” (Quicknote: This is another one of those Hollywood quirks, attributing wisdom to mamas.)
Where do I even start? Superficiality cuts me deep. Superficiality embodied by “Beauty isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” What about that Abbey Lee. Her face is so gaunt, I bet she can cut her meat with it. And she speaks accordingly. “Who wants sour milk when you can get fresh meat?” And how about the way Elle Fanning says, “Are we having a party or something?” That’s exactly how you’d want and imagine anyone saying that line.
For more Abbey Lee poetry about the sun in winter, watch the alternate trailer
And let me bow out in peace.
(Yes, that was Keanu and yes, that was a puma in a motel room.)