The Oscars game

(Since we, the people in India, can’t have a drinking game.)

If Inarritu wins, chop off a finger.

If The Revenant wins, jump off a balcony.

If Di Caprio wins, bite into the juicy part of your left arm and tear off a healthy chunk of it. Alternately, befuddle a waiter at your favorite restaurant by asking if they have raw bison liver.

If Saoirse Ronan wins, you’re probably still asleep.

If Emmanuel Lubezki wins, fondly recollect the time Jessica Chastain crooned “Chee-vo”, and start getting in people’s faces, literally.

If Di Caprio doesn’t win, run naked through your office. Send a mail ahead, the attendance might go up.

If Stallone wins, notice the similarity between his and Djokovic’s speeches.

If there are going to be two standing ovations, expect them to be for Stallone and Di Caprio.

If Brie Larson wins, have a scoop of plain vanilla. Do the same when Hillary becomes the President.

Every time Mad Max: Fury Road gets an Oscar, ring the doorbell of a neighbor, yell “witness me” and set fire to their morning paper.

If a gay film critic on your timeline starts complaining about the injustice being meted out to Carol, don a Christmas hat.

If Ennio Morricone wins, prevent people from getting on the elevator till you reach your floor.

If Amy wins, please observe a moment of silence- for the superior docs that lost to it.

If you miss the ceremony, you won’t have missed anything.

If you however do watch Fassbender losing out to Di Caprio, be sure to confess the next Sunday, for you damn well would have committed a sin.

 

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