Ladies and gentlemen, your host- Bob the Builder.
With the obligatory joke about Ben Affleck’s facial hair out of the way, let’s promptly move on to the awards…
Best Supporting Actor. And the Oscar goes to….. Leonardo DiCaprio! Pardon me, he wasn’t even nominated. Sorry, Leo. The Oscar goes to Leo’s co-star Christoph Waltz, or as Zach Galfianakis likes to call him, Christoph Break-Dance (Django Unchained).
Best Animated feature. No real standouts this year. Brave was meh, Wreck-It-Ralph was fun until it moved to Candyland, very much like Django Unchained, Paranorman was funny and had the voices of Casey Affleck, Anna Kendrick, Christopher Mintz-Plasse. The Oscar goes to Paranorman.
Best Song: This one’s easy. The Oscar goes to Adele! (Skyfall)
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal beat him the last time. Mark Boal won’t beat him this time. The Oscar goes to the man who puts words in Christoph Waltz’s mouth, it’s Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained)!
Best Adapted Screenplay. Even though we’d have liked to snub it all across the board, we couldn’t bring ourselves to be so cruel. The Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Chris Terrio (Argo).
Best Supporting Actress. “I dreamed a dream of time gone by, when competition was high and Anne Hathaway was pretty.” We can’t help it, there’s no depth. Only real competition comes from Sally Field and we’d be out of our minds to give her the award. So Anne Hathaway it is (Les Miserables).
Best Cinematography: Fuck you Life of Pi. The Oscar goes to Roger Deakins (Skyfall).
Best Visual Effects. Fuck you Life of Pi. We’re snubbing you. The Oscar goes to The Dark Knight Rises!
I think they deserve it for making Anne Hathaway look pretty too 😛
Christian Bale enjoyed the joke. Anne Hathaway didn’t.
Okay, moving on. Being sneered at already. Best Film Editing. And the Oscar goes to Cloud Atlas. Yup, this one’s come out of no where and we’re doing it to garner some attention. Anyway, give it up for Cloud Atlas!
Best Foreign film. The only interesting thing about Michael Haneke and his films is his parody twitter account.* So obviously, we aren’t going to award “Amour”. We would have honored Oslo, 31st August but it wasn’t submitted by Norway, so the Oscar goes to Rust and Bone!
Best Actor. Sit back down Daniel Day Lewis. We acknowledge your awesomeness and your abundant chameleon qualities, but this year we’re sorry to inform you and excited to declare “The Best Actor Oscar goes to Joaquin Phoenix (The Master).”
Best Actress. Jennifer Lawrence? lol She’d have had a chance if the award was for ‘best tushy dancer’ but it isn’t, is it?
Best Director. The Oscar goes to…I don’t even think it necessary to spell it out, everyone knows who deserves it, Kathryn Bigelow! (Zero Dark Thirty)
Best Picture. The Oscar goes to…you guessed it, it’s a hat-trick to round out the night, Zero Dark Thirty!