Things Fassbender teaches us in Shame

Talk/humor/being interested in what the other person has got to say/pick up lines are for ugly people. All you got to do is keep staring. Look her in the eyes for long enough, make her feel uncomfortable and lo! you’ve made yourself irresistible. No need to muster 30 seconds or 20 seconds of courage, as Matt Damon says, and do something foolish like trying to strike up a conversation. That’s for losers who don’t have the magnetism to attract with their mouths zipped. One of the good things about this Fassbender technique is you can deploy it even when your prey is all the way across the room in a stuffed gathering. (In case you object to women being called ‘prey’, keep in mind that we are trying to learn what Fassbender does and it would be only fair to think how Fassbender does.)

In case you are wondering about the ‘depth’ of the eye-contact that is to be made in order for this to work, wonder no more. Fassbender has a handy guide for this as well. Your eye-contact should be so ‘deep’ that you should be able to recognize the color of her eyeballs even when she isn’t wearing any color lenses. (Any dufus can spot the color of color lenses).

Next thing Fassbender teaches us is running to classical music. Forget creating a playlist filled with energy and high-tempo loud music. That’s so passe. What you got to do is go classical. How classical? Think ‘Endless Flight’ from Babel. Ask me if you don’t cover longer distances in your sprints after this change.

There are many other things which Fassbender does in the movie and they might appeal to you but you must remember, and this is crucial, that he’s putting himself through it so that you won’t have to. Yes, he’s being the modern day Jesus. He’s sacrificing himself at the altar of depravity so that you can learn the lessons and look beyond mere carnal stimulation.

The movie’s rated NC-17. So decide on watching accordingly. And if you do decide to, be prepared to have your manhood challenged. As a combination of movies, I’d say Gosling’s Drive + Bale’s American Psycho.

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