The film critic who fed his children and divided a nation

(soon to be a movie starring Matthew McConaughey)

With signs of malnutrition beginning to show on the faces of his little ones and holidays fast approaching and no Ebenezer Scrooge in sight to send his Tiny Tim to, a local film critic today decided to bid farewell to his dignity at the altar of page views. A loud scream of “Integrity, be gone” is said to have been heard by the man’s neighbours at around 2 in the afternoon. And sure enough, within 10 minutes, at around 210 pm EST, Lady Bird received its first “rotten” review on the reviews aggregating site Rotten Tomatoes.

Citizens across the nation were immediately sent an emergency alert through their cellular networks at the behest of the highest office in the land. Opposition parties wasted no time in calling the move reckless and “an egregious abuse of constitutional power.”

As the famished critic continued to dumbfoundedly stare at his stalled page views counter (it couldn’t count beyond a million), ┬ádiscussions broke out across the nation like pimples across a teenager’s face regarding the ethicality of the action. “Should he have tarnished the perfect reputation of a work of art just so he could feed his kids? Ugh, how disgustingly utilitarian.” “The worth of any piece of art comes from the lives of the people it touches, and the critic through his cynical exploitation has in a roundabout way paid the movie its greatest compliment yet.”

The writer-director of the movie, Greta Gerwig hasn’t responded to any of our trillion and a half messages. Her PR office however has issued a statement saying Ms. Gerwig is waiting for the debate to settle down in favour of one side or the other so she can take a stand accordingly. Guess we’ll just have to be patient like an opening batsman on the first day of a test match.


Alternate titles:

Life in the gig economy.

Never mind the compensatory Oscar, a raw bison liver would be the most wholesome food we’d have had in weeks.

Oh Lady Bird, blessed be thy heretofore perfect score.

The Senate debates: should knowingly clicking on a clickbait link count as charity and qualify for tax rebate?

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